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Reptiles in Love: Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships, by Don Ferguson
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Nagging, snide comments, passive-aggressive tendencies, running away, childish insults; sometimes even the most loving couples can revert to their primitive nature. Don Ferguson, a psychologist and relationship therapist, has discovered that no matter how evolved we think we are, our reptilian brain is still primed for instantaneous reactions and fight-or-flight. This syndrome can rule relationships and in the end destroy them. Through the latest neurological research, Ferguson has discovered how to manage our primitive reactions with thoughtful, 'new brain' interventions. Written in a highly entertaining and readable way, Reptiles in Love has an answer for helping couples to stop attacking each other and transform their dysfunctional, prehistoric relationship into a more evolved and loving partnership.
- Sales Rank: #1563173 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Jossey-Bass
- Published on: 2012-04-24
- Released on: 2012-05-22
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .61" w x 6.00" l, .80 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 272 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
According to psychologist Ferguson, we're all reptiles in love: conflicts between people, especially in intimate relationships, are often triggered by our "reptilian" brains, the part that brings on a fight-or-flight stance rather than rational or mutually beneficial behaviors—when threatened, we lash out. Too many relationship guidebooks rush the couple to resume a feeling of intimacy, says Ferguson, when in fact, fear and anger must be reduced and trust re-established first. Addressing what he calls "stupid fighting" (over nonsense: "You're cheap," "It's your mother's fault"), Ferguson takes a close look at the dynamics of intimacy and how it is that people who have the greatest passion for each other also seem to dole out the most venom when threatened. This book offers understanding of the mechanics of human relationships and sensible guidelines for lessening tension and resolving conflict. Ferguson injects humor to illustrate key points and highlight the often absurd behaviors people display when threatened. While the old adage states that you always hurt the one you love, this book shows that this isn't necessary and together couples can find common ground to re-establish mutual love and respect. (Mar.)
Copyright � Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
According to psychologist Ferguson, we're all reptiles in love: conflicts between people, especially in intimate relationships, are often triggered by our "reptilian" brains, the part that brings on a fight-or-flight stance rather than rational or mutually beneficial behaviors—when threatened, we lash out. Too many relationship guidebooks rush the couple to resume a feeling of intimacy, says Ferguson, when in fact, fear and anger must be reduced and trust re-established first. Addressing what he calls "stupid fighting" (over nonsense: "You're cheap," "It's your mother's fault"), Ferguson takes a close look at the dynamics of intimacy and how it is that people who have the greatest passion for each other also seem to dole out the most venom when threatened. This book offers understanding of the mechanics of human relationships and sensible guidelines for lessening tension and resolving conflict. Ferguson injects humor to illustrate key points and highlight the often absurd behaviors people display when threatened. While the old adage states that you always hurt the one you love, this book shows that this isn't necessary and together couples can find common ground to re-establish mutual love and respect. (Mar.) (Publishers Weekly, January 16, 2006)
No matter how sophisticated people think they are, even the most loving couples revert to their primitive, or "reptilian," nature of fight-or-flight, according to Ferguson (staff psychologist, Dean Medical Ctr., Madison, WI). Taking both a biological and a psychological approach, he explains how partners can manage challenges to intimacy more effectively if they understand their basic physical reactions to each other. He develops this idea further by discussing how maladaptive responses to perceived threats (feeling the need to defend oneself) lead to unprovoked attacks. In a clear-cut, helpful, and humorous manner, Ferguson discusses how to end these cycles and create healthier relationships, going so far as to include helpful suggestions for making divorce as humane as possible. Highly recommended for all libraries. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information. (Library Journal)
Review
"This book offers a refreshingly original look at the way couples operate and at what can go wrong. Dr. Ferguson has combined his clinical wisdom, his extensive experience helping couples, and his thorough understanding of current research to create a book that is both informed and user-friendly.� Packed with practical guidance and numerous case examples and written in a lively, humorous style, this book is a delight to read and is sure to help both couples in distress and those seeking to strengthen their relationships."
--Denise Beckfield, clinical psychologist and author, Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life
"Another relationship book? Yes, and Reptiles in Love is different.�It’s not only fun and easy to read, but it comes at the issue from an entirely new angle, using the newest brain science to help you recognize and change those perplexing repetitive problems in your relationship.� Read it before your relationship goes extinct."
--Bill O’Hanlon, marriage and family therapist and author, Love Is a Verb and Rewriting Love Stories
"Written in a warm, humorous, and very engaging way, this book offers wisdom, reassurance, and sensible advice, along with practical exercises and suggestions.�Couples who want a more satisfying and lively relationship will benefit from reading and implementing�Dr. Ferguson’s�recommendations."
--Mark A. Karpel, author, Evaluating Couples: A Handbook for Practitioners
"Don Ferguson has done an amazing piece of work in integrating an enormous body of professional knowledge on what makes marriages tick and how couples�can help�themselves when they’re�having trouble. And he’s done all this in the most engaging, reader-friendly style I've come across in years."
--Alan S. Gurman, professor and director of family therapy training, Department of Psychiatry, University of Wisconsin Medical School
"This refreshing book offers new insights for couples that will help them ‘fight for their marriage.’"
--Dr. Howard J. Markman, author, Fighting for Your Marriage and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Reptiles in Love- A very human look at the complexities of intimate relationships
By Andrew Pascarella
This book is an intelligent, humorous, practical and supremely human guide of how to understand and get the most out of being in an intimate loving relationship. I appreciated the complete lack of psychobabble and the clarity with which complex and confusing interpersonal experiences are explained along with practical suggestions to deepen the joy of relating to those we love most.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
An absolute must read
By Kimberly Snow
Disguised as a humorous discussion about bonded couples, Dr. Don Ferguson's Reptiles in Love is a bible of information to build happy, healthy, more loving relationships. What makes lasting couples different from pairs that split? How can couples that seem to have "fallen out" of love bring joy back into their marriage? With years of experience and research in the field of marital and couples therapy Dr. Ferguson gives us instructions. An absolute must-read for anyone who has broken up despite mutual love because of destructive behavior.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Important book
By S. D. Haltzman
I really appreciate this author for his deep knowledge of human interactions, and capacity to frame things in a way that the reader can relate to. While the book uses humor (occasionally corny), the real meat of it is the way that it asks the reader to put thoughfullness over instinct. "Reptiles" finds a way to keep couples "in the game." I heard the author give a talk a few months after the book was published; he is a really smart guy and made a lot of sense. Worth reading!
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